listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
