The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
