does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
