the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
is that a dick in a sweater?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
