I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
