My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
