If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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