There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
We are all done wearing pants today
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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