I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
