I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
you have to choose: penises or morals?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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