hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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