Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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