So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
