Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
