Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Randomize
