Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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