I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
