don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
