the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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