i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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