U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
