you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
