that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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