I am puke
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
