First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
