Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
