Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
