The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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