im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
