ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I cut my penus on the lid.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
