i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
