Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
