I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
This is the prime rib incident all over again
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize
