I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
