Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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