I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
