On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
