I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
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