I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
home. puking in laundry basket.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
