Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
