You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
