I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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