If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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