I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
