Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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