Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
