the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
