Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
