hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
