youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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